i can’t pretend to have known you.

trying my hardest, i can’t conjure up much more than harsh sunlight on a winter day, me wrapped tightly in my pea coat and absently poking my fingers through the spaces between the thick mesh of the lunch table, writing page numbers and concepts on my hand in ball point pen- you sitting across from me, studying sheet music, memorizing lyrics, both of us too awkward and unfamiliar with each other to try and make much more conversation than the usual complaining about assignments and perhaps the weather- maybe you asked me how i was; i can’t remember my answer.

you might have been quiet, like myself, but you were not a coward; you were brave, so brave and selfish (though i’m sure you didn’t mean to be).  with all the edges i stand on, you can be assured that the knowledge is there as a dark reminder, a constant.  i’ll never know what gave you the courage to step off into the dark- it’s not my place to know, because i did not know the boy himself. sometimes it seems so easy, to throw it all away, but i know it is the hardest thing in the world. 

i have my regrets, though fortunately fewer than some.

but i cried for you tonight, suddenly and silently, as i thought about how much you must have been hurting.

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